My first born is going off to college and I am a complete wreck.  How is this happening?  Didn’t I just enroll her in Kindergarten?  I remember chuckling when I found out she was in the graduating class of 2019.  It seemed so far away.  But she graduated in June and I am not chuckling anymore.  In fact, I am ready to throw up.  We have bins and bags piled up and I keep thinking of things to add.  With everyday closer to move in day my anxiety grows.  I hate this.  I hate everything about it.

She was so happy to wear her new pink backpack  the first day of Kindergarten.  She was so little the pack was almost as big as her.  I made sure her lunch was filled with healthy foods in containers she could open easily.  I dropped her off and watched her through the window as she marched  down the hall confidently .  I wasn’t so confident and I cried watching her fade away into the sea of children.   What if she had to use the bathroom and was too scared to tell the teacher?  Will she be brave enough to ask a question if she needs help?  Will my shy little girl make friends  or will she play by herself in the playground?   I was a wreck.  Thankfully, all went well.   When I picked her up she was tired yet happy and enjoyed her first day.  In fact, she had a wonderful Kindergarten year.

Fast forward through the many years of school and all the ups and downs that go along with growing up.  She survived mounds of homework, standardized testing, school projects and exams, friendship struggles,  college applications/deadlines and her first heart break from a jerk who stomped on her feelings.  I went through it all with her and felt  all her sadness,  disappointments and anxiety.  But most importantly, I laughed and  celebrated with her too.  Every fabulous grade, making honor roll, turning sixteen, getting her license, shopping for prom, taking pictures at prom, fun with friends, scholarship night and of course her acceptance to her fist choice in college and high school graduation.   We went through it together.

The past  18 years of her life have been shared with me.  I didn’t miss a thing.  Now I feel like our shared life is ending.  She will be moving to college and I can’t bear the thought of her not living at home and not being part of her day to day life.  She won’t be sitting beside me at the dinner table telling the family about her day in great detail.  Sarah doesn’t just talk, she acts out her stories.  It is quite entertaining.   She won’t be here sitting on the couch with her latest knitting project.  Nor will she hang on my bed with me just chatting  before she heads off to her room for the night.  Instead, there will be an empty chair at the dinner table and an empty spot on the couch.  And I won’t hear the sound of her squeaky door knob to her room.  This makes me very sad.   Yes, she will call and text and face time and even come home on some weekends.   But that isn’t the same.  I WANT HER HERE ALL THE TIME!  Everyone says that I will adjust to life without her living at home and that I have to let her go and let her grow.  Well I don’t care what people say.  I am just not ready.  I need more time.

She asked me not to cry on move in day because she doesn’t want to cry.  But I told her that  I  can’t make that promise.  I am crying just writing this now.  College is going to be a hard adjustment on all of us.  But honestly, I think she is going to adjust far better than me.  Just like Kindergarten, she will arrive at school with confidence.  I admire her for that.  I know my tears will flow like a river and I will be lost for a while.  I hope my family is patient with me during my pity party.  If you know of a support group for over emotional moms who miss their college student tremendously please let me know.  I will need all the help I can get.  I hate this.  I hate everything about this.